I feel stuck where I am.

5:33 PM

Even after being diagnosed with and treated for depression and anxiety there is still a constant struggle. Mostly, it is a fear that these disorders will continue to interrupt my life. Although I am usually fine, there are days when I break down. I begin to stress and shake. I cry, but I don't quite know the reason. I hurt, but I don't really know how fix that.

The worst part is that when I get in these "moods", I feel so helpless. I feel alone. I feel unloved. I feel like the people around me deserve better than me. I try to push everyone away because if I don't love myself, how could anyone else? Why would they want to? I'm hard to deal with, I'm difficult, I'm mean.

I can't easily explain all that I am feeling when I get in these "moods" because I don't fully understand it. I just want to be left alone, but I'm afraid of being lonely. I want to talk about everything, but I can't find the words. I want to move on and love myself, but I feel stuck where I am. I feel that this is a part of me that I cannot easily discard. I cannot simply erase the past, and I am afraid that it will seep into my future. 

I shake, I cry, I have headaches. I have trouble breathing and motivating myself. I can't focus or think clearly. I fear that I will go back to being sad, staying in bed, and avoiding anything I can avoid. I fear that those around me can tell that I am in a "mood", and that they will no longer want to be around me. I am stuck between accepting myself for who I am and trying to change that part of me.

That being said, I know that it doesn't have to be this way. I know that I have gone from having terrible days with rare happiness to positive days with occasional sadness. I know that I cannot, realistically, be happy all the time. I know that as happy as I become, I will eventually be momentarily unhappy. I just have to remind myself that it is temporary, and that it doesn't mean I will go back to the way it was before. 

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