I'm really missing my family lately.

12:00 AM

When I came to college, my perspective on family drastically fluctuated. Some days I would realize how important my family is to me and how much I truly miss being home. Other days I would step in the front door during a visit and feel like a guest instead of a daughter/sister coming home. It was a strange feeling to miss my family so much, yet feel so distant from them even when I was in the same house as them. Now there are nights when I can't stop crying because I want nothing more than to be with my family.

Amongst all of the advice you get about growing up or going to college, no one really tells you how difficult it can be to move out of the house and leave your family. Sure, they mention that you'll have to wash your own dishes and pay for your own electricity. That doesn't prepare you for the emotional consequences of leaving home. 

I desperately wanted to leave during high school. What teenager doesn't? Finally the time to go to college came and granted me that freedom. Within a few days I was a mess. I would text or call home telling my parents that I couldn't do it. I wasn't ready for college. I didn't belong at this university. All of my insecurities that I could hide at home where my family didn't judge me came pouring out. I finally admitted to myself that I don't easily make friends, I'm not particularly attractive and I'm not exceptionally smarty. I didn't have the peace of mind of knowing that I didn't have to hang out with anyone because my family was in the same room. I didn't have my mom's constant encouragement or my dad's advice. 

The day I found out that my family was moving to Illinois was exciting. Fayetteville wasn't exactly the best area to live, and I thought my family would enjoy the change. I was thrilled to have a new place to travel for holidays until I realized that that was my only chance to see my family. I no longer had the option of coming home for a weekend after a rough week. For the most part that isn't an issue since I'm always busy, but there are times when I want to drop everything and go home. When I do go home, though, I truly feel like I'm at home. See, my family never did anything to make me feel like a guest when we lived in Fayetteville, but it wasn't our home and I knew that. This is different. This is the first house my parents ever bought, and it's the sense of stability that every army brat needs.

All this to say that no one really warns you how difficult it is to leave your family. No one tells you that you're going to cry hysterically at random times because you're horribly upset that you can't be there for your sisters as they grow up or your dad when he needs someone to pick on or your mom when she needs a grocery shopping companion. No one mentions how easy it is to go days or even weeks without hearing from your family. No one warns you that you will miss your family all of the time, but that's just a part of life.

I apologize if this is pathetic or highly disorganized, but it was something that I needed to write about. I miss my family all of the time, but certain days are worse than others. I'm counting down the days until I am home for Christmas vacation.
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